It’s taken me a while to summon the courage to step forth and conquer the blank page, which is my way of saying that it’s been days since the idea for this article was first proposed to me by a friend. Since then, I have been thinking about it, in a waddling sort of way, approaching it crab-like, in an appropriately angular and distinctly lazy fashion. I argued back and forth on the merits of taking up this onerous task, and was almost convinced to sit back and relax – as is my wont – by the proposition that the very act of actually penning this article would question my devotion to the principle of laziness, and – thus – my authority on the subject.
However, a true believer must sacrifice for the greater good, and so I find myself typing furiously on my tortured keyboard, musty through lack of use and grunting its disapproval of my distinctly unrehearsed keystrokes and un-manicured digits (I coax it into grudging assistance by sharing my true aim of getting this done in a jiffy so that we can both go back to doing what we do best).
So. Laziness: a much maligned, much abused, misunderstood term. Since my childhood, I have heard derisive comments on this most prudent of virtues, and it sickens me to the core. It is time to speak, I fear, on behalf of all my lazy brethren out there, working away tirelessly and without reward at being lazy, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year, year after year.
It is time to dispel the myths, one by excruciating one!
1. Lazy people do nothing.
On the contrary, the pursuit of laziness requires 24 * 7 dedication, with activities spanning from the utterly physical – durability testing of various artifacts (e.g. the lazybag / the couch / the mattress advertised as never going flat) – to the decidedly philosophical (racking one’s brains for inventive reasons for procrastination or investigating the purpose of being). In fact, the perseverance and action of the lazy is perennially constant and consistent so as to mislead the untrained and the uninitiated, not having the luxury of contrast, into purporting and believing this vile myth.
2. Lazy people are boring.
This is so very untrue! Laziness results, in general, in phenomenal growth of the mid-tier section, resulting in a stoutness of body and heart. And, as we all know, the paunch is the harbinger of jovial interaction. All humour and wit, I submit, is the result of single-minded laziness taking advantage of time to develop fresh and humorous perspectives on the otherwise humourless world of the over-active.
3. Lazy people are a drag on society.
This myth, like no other, betrays the lazist attitude of modern society, spewing discrimination against my brethren. The lack of physical action on the part of the lazy has, single-handedly, done more for world peace than any action ever undertaken by any over-enthusiastic activist. While others have taken to the streets, and often proceeded to burn effigies and stir the us-versus-them syndrome, my dear lazy brethren have taken to the couch, and – freshly popped corn firmly in hand – shaken their heads in bewilderment at the craziness of the streets. They have sacrificed their urge for physical fight – and it is a great sacrifice – for the sake of promoting harmony through valiant inaction. They have sat down for all humanity, when the hour so demanded.
4. Laziness impedes growth.
I pity the short-sightedness of the non-lazy! Their penchant for taking life by the scruff of the neck is downright crude, if not ungodly. Life is not an animal, but an experience. Its crossroads are not meant for immediate choices to be made, but are a test of fortitude and patience (in the face of the terrible pressure to decide): for the moment will soon be gone, and the crossroads dissolve into a single path. And, as we all know, in the end, all paths DO lead to Rome.
There. I’ve said it. I have sacrificed precious minutes of my life away from my couch for the sake of my brethren. But, now, I must return and carry on my good work.
For, in my pursuit of true laziness, every moment not ‘wasted’ is a moment wasted.
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